cParental alienation is a truly horrible phenomenon that can have serious and long-lasting negative consequences on the children exposed to it as well as the targeted parent.

This destructive process happens when one parent deliberately manipulates, coerces and influences a child into turning against their other parent or close relative. Alienating behaviour often happens within a high-conflict divorce or separation, but it is by no means the only environment where it takes place.

As a therapist in Dorset, I have met many parents, trapped in frightening relationships, too afraid to leave their partners because they know their co-parent will destroy their relationship (and possibly those of other family members) with their children once they are separated and powerless to protect their children.

The emotional and psychological harm to children caught in these environments is pernicious as they suffer from feelings of confusion, guilt, crisis of identity, anger, shame and hopelessness, because ultimately, they blame themselves for the severed relationship with the targeted parent.

Recognising and addressing the alienation is crucial to ensure the healthy development of the children involved. Here are some ways to help you identify the situation:

• The first step is to accept it is happening. A good rule of thumb is, if you think it is taking place, it probably very well might be taking place.
• The second step is to address how it makes you feel well so you come into a more proactive and less reactive thinking and feeling state.
• The third step is to learn how you can help your children through the situation without alienating their other parent.

Parental alienation is recognised in law as being emotionally abusive to the children experiencing it. When we are abused, we are injured. However, these injuries can be mitigated by therapeutic interventions designed to help children feel seen and understood, safe and accepted.

Please feel free to contact me if you’d like to find out more about how counselling can help a young person feel better.

The Family Court system, while designed to address disputes between parents and ensure that the best interests of children are served, can inadvertently also pose hazards to their well-being in terms of the pressures it places on them to sometimes keep one, or both parents, happy.

Prolonged legal battles and custody disputes can expose children to emotional and psychological stress, as they are exposed to their parents’ worries and they are often caught in the crossfire of their parents’ conflicts.

Frequent court appearances and the uncertainty of outcomes can disrupt a child’s routines and stability, affecting their health, their attainment in school, social development and their relationships at work in the future. After all, it is normal for us to use the models of relating we have been shown as children, in our adult lives. 

Additionally, the adversarial nature of Family Court proceedings can sometimes lead to children feeling torn between their parents or even being manipulated or used as pawns in the legal process that can often feel frightening and confusing as, for example, one Judge’s opinion can differ from another’s and very often it is hard for us to be certain how matters will be resolved.

In my experience as a therapist in the New Forest, the Judiciary and Cafcass are very aware and sensitive of children’s vulnerability in these matters and they will do their utmost to protect them from harm. However, in an adversarial environment, it is not always possible to see when harm is taking place, let alone, protect children from it.

Needless to say, if you can avoid a separation being managed by professionals then you should do your bet to achieve this. If not, try and find representation that places the wellbeing of your children first.

In my work as a counsellor when working with parents trapped in frightening and costly proceedings, my aim is:

• Reduce the fear and anger in the system by helping individuals psychologically and emotionally step outside of the trauma system and stabilise themselves.
• From a more thoughtful, less reactive place, help individuals put a safer context around the children involved in proceedings.
• Help people understand, recognise and mitigate their triggers moving forward so they can remain focused on what they need from the separation rather than focusing on punishing their ex-partner.

If you’re working through a challenging separation that you need additional support for you or your children, please don’t hesitate to reach out for an initial consultation for therapy services. 

It’s easy to find a therapist or a counsellor but perhaps it’s harder to know if you found the right one for you. Here are a number of questions you can ask yourself that will enable you to choose the right therapist for you. 

In my article today I outline 14 of these questions that you might ask yourself after you have had an initial consultation with a therapist or counsellor. I use the word therapist and counsellor interchangeably.

1.  Do you feel relaxed and safe? 

 Is it easy to make small talk and is the therapist relatable to and down-to-earth or do they feel emotionally removed or cold? Did they seem “stuck in their head,” or are they overly empathic and emotional? Is the therapist a “know it all“, who wants to tell you all about yourself?

For many of us, going to a counsellor for an initial consultation is likely to cause feelings of apprehension. If the therapist you are meeting with doesn’t seem to recognise this, then this therapist might not be the right fit for you. Remember, there is absolutely no rule that requires you to continue working with anybody if you do not click with them.

That being said, it’s important for you to recognise if there is a fearful part of you who wants to avoid talking about what’s going on. If you find yourself reacting negatively to every therapist you meet then the issue might be yours and it might be that if you stick it out with a therapist that is good enough, you might be able to work through your fears of beginning therapy.

2. What is the therapist’s approach and philosophy to helping? 

Does the counsellor you are meeting with see human beings in optimistic, hopeful and compassionate ways and do they believe that humans are basically born good? Or, instead, do they believe in genetic disorders, deficiencies and diagnosis?

 When I have my own therapy, I want my therapist to be hopeful and confident in my capacity to feel better. I want them to recognise me as a good person and to know that people do bad things as a consequence of not getting what they needed in terms of security and safety when they were young.

I do not want my therapist to be analysing my behaviour, conjuring fantasies about what is wrong with me and assuming I have flaws that at some point they are going to identify and reveal to me.

3.Can the therapist you meet with tell you clearly how they view whatever issue you have brought to them and can I tell you clearly how they plan to help you and what theories they will be employing? 

In my view, it is essential for you to have complete clarity about the direction and focus of the work you are paying for. Furthermore, I believe you should have the opportunity to think about the amount of sessions you would like to have as this will help your therapist frame and organise the work. For example, if you suffer from PTSD and want to have six sessions, then it might be that you have time to do some stabilisation work but it might be that you do not have enough time to enter into EMRD or similar trauma focused intervention.

4. Does the counsellor have regular supervision from a more experienced, more qualified therapist? 

 Supervision is essential for a number of reasons. Including, but not limited to, case review, theory enhancement and is a place where the therapist is able to review how their own history may be getting in the way of supporting you.

Avoid therapy with anyone who cannot share with you the name of their supervisor, indeed, for most counselling organisations such as the BACP or the UKCP it’s mandatory for therapists to have a supervisor with whom they meet regularly in order for the therapist to be registered with these organisations.

5. Can your therapist admit mistakes and receive critical feedback? 

The right counsellor for you will be open to hearing that what they have said to you has upset you or distressed you. The best counsellors are pleased to look at themselves as individuals as well as therapists, they’re open and honest about themselves and are able to recognise where they have been clumsy or thoughtless.

6. Do you feel dependent on your therapist? 

Therapy is not about you going to a counsellor to have them solve your problems, counselling is about you learning how to problem solve for yourself in useful, comfortable ways. 

A good therapist might provide answers and wisdom and emotional support but this should not happen without you being helped to access your own internal resources, as you do not want to become dependent on your counsellor for life guidance. Rather, you and your therapist should work together to help you become free and self-loving.

7. Does your counsellor receive ongoing therapy themselves?

As well as having professional supervision, I believe it is essential for all therapists to be in ongoing personal therapy at points in their career. Most therapists are themselves wounded healers and I think it is a dangerous position to take to think that, “I am cured and happy and able to be self-sustaining for the rest of my life.“ Particularly if you are supporting vulnerable people with their emotional lives.

8. How much experience does the therapist you are seeing have in helping other people with the particular issue you have brought to them?

The more expertise they have developed, the better you will be served.

9. Does the therapist you are seeing guarantee that they will help you?

Change is possible but a number of factors have to be in place in order for there be a good possibility for change to happen. Chief to the endeavour is the skill of the therapist you are seeing and your own capacity for change. Sometimes, in spite of my best efforts I have not been in the right place to make the changes I have wanted to make for myself when I have had therapy. Sometimes those changes have only happened when I was in a different stage in my life. 

Change takes work, commitment and clarity of purpose. If these factors are in place and you have a skilled helper then things look good for the future!

10. What ethical guidelines and principles does your therapist adhere to?
    There are a number of policies and principles that all good counselling organisations such as the BACP and UKCP require that the therapists who register with them follow. 

This means for example, that councillors are not permitted to enter into dual relationships, such as counselling a friend or an employee or a family member or someone closely associated with an existing client. The counsellor must be there only to meet your therapeutic needs such as providing you empathy, guidance, support, understanding, unburdening, and healing. 

11. Is your therapist Accredited?

Accreditation with a respected counselling organisation is an essential, minimum, qualification for all good therapists to hold. Accreditation means that the therapist has gained considerable experience and is regularly supervised. It also means that your therapist is required to undergo continuous professional development on a yearly basis.

12. What level of training has your counsellor achieved? 

It is essential for your therapist to be trained to a degree level, or equivalent. I do not believe anybody can call themselves a counsellor if they have done a weekend seminar or they have read some books about counselling. Without the right qualifications your counsellor may well lack the skills and training to provide you with a safe therapeutic environment.

13. Has your counsellor ever had any complaints made about their practice? 

You may feel awkward asking this question, however, you may learn a lot about your therapist as they answer this question. If they have not, then there is no further need to enquire. If they have, then how they describe this situation will be key to whether or not you will be safe with them. If they are open, frank, empathic and compassionate about the person who made the complaint against them, then you will have a better understanding of how they handle criticism and judgement. Needless to say, if they are angry or indignant then it might be time to continue your search for the right therapist.

14. How long has your therapist been practising? 

 There can be no doubt that an experienced therapist, accredited and registered with a notable organisation brings with them a sense of clarity and skill. Whereas, the therapist who has just qualified may not be such a safe option for you.

Having said that, good therapy provides healing within the context of a safe therapeutic relationship. If you feel comfortable and safe with a recently qualified counsellor then as long as you are clear about their abilities and training and they are clear with you about how they understand your dilemas, you stand a good chance of receiving some benefit. 

 I hope you find this knowledge on how to find a suitable therapist or counsellor helpful. If you’re looking for a therapist in the Poole, New Forest, Bournemouth or Christchurch area please do not hesitate to contact me so we can have an initial chat about the support you require. 

Moving away from home and starting University can be a daunting time. While it heralds a new exciting stage in our children’s lives, I also see that what we hope and expect them to be able to manage in this significant life transition can be daunting for our children.

Let’s take a moment to think about the journey from home to university.

Firstly, while some young people seem prepared and ready for this huge transition, others take some time to fully adjust to this new way of living. Homesickness is natural and painful, it takes us time to recover from the loss we can feel when we leave home for the first time.

If you have ever been bereaved, think about how long it took you to be truly comfortable and fully adjusted to the loss you experienced. In the same way, some young people take time to work through the process of leaving home.

Secondly, it’s not always easy to live with strangers. Learning to adjust and adapt to other people is a skill that requires our full attention, particularly because within this adjusting and adapting we have to find a viable way for us to be comfortable, relaxed and safe. 

Feeling comfortable, relaxed and safe is the best way for us to be able to learn and apply ourselves to our education. We all have different ways of helping ourselves to feel comfortable but, when we are young, it can be hard to privilege ourselves over others because we can feel afraid people will not like us if we are too “assertive“. Being confidently assertive is key to developing independently.

Lastly, finding ourselves in a new learning environment with new expectations placed on us, with little or no relationship with our new educators, requires us to rethink how we engage with our studies. Up until this point most of us will have benefited from kindly teachers who helped, guided and supported us on our learning journey. University significantly moves us away from this model and students quickly discover the meaning of independent learning, this process can take time and can be stressful.

I have supported many University students as they adjust to their new lives away from home. 

If you are worried or concerned about how your child is adapting to university life then why not get in touch with me.

We can take some time to talk about what is troubling you and perhaps we can formulate a plan that will help your child get the most from their life at university.

Anxious children can seem sad, angry or closed off and shut down. However, anxious children, just like anxious adults, do not always “show” their anxiety in their behaviour. 

For example, just like an anxious adult, an anxious child can manage their anxiety in ways that do not seem negative to those around them. 

How many adults do we know who manage there emotions by working hard? Children are no different, when they feel worried, confused, unsafe or frightened, they can sometimes manage these feelings by working very hard in school or by finding solace in their friendship groups. 

Rather than assessing a child’s mental health by judging their behaviour, it is safer to think about what a young person has experienced because our experiences affect the way we feel.

The World Health Organisation notes 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, that will make children feel anxious and unsafe. These ACEs include the following: Parental conflict, experiencing divorce and separation, poor parental mental health due to parents using substances like weed or alcohol, frequent moves, parents worried about money or their health and of course being exposed to abuse.

If you have anxiety or depression, then most likely you have had some of these experiences. Here is some information that gives a little more detail.